Sunday, June 18, 2006
craptacular;
1:55 AM
Saturday, April 29, 2006
craptacular;
9:07 AM
Saturday, April 22, 2006
craptacular;
8:33 AM
Sunday, April 09, 2006
craptacular;
4:07 AM
Sunday, April 02, 2006
craptacular;
5:13 AM
Friday, March 17, 2006
craptacular;
12:41 AM
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
craptacular;
7:39 AM
How to be a Mohawk Recruit
Act 1 Scene 1
When reporting to your IC the strength during number off, do not
do this.
Recruit 1: 15 rows and 2 blank files, Recruit!
Recruit 2: And 4 men behind, Recruit!
And do not be alarmed if you hear this.
Recruit 2: And 3 men and 1 lady behind, IC!
A lady is almost unheard of in BMTC. However this time we have one! In this case, she was one of the pikachus.
Act 1 Scene 2
Since vulgarities is suppose to be illegal (yah right..) and as
an IC you need to pass the message from the commander to your platoon, learn to
paraphrase to avoid using vulgarities.
Sgt Vicknesh to Derek: Derek, I will give you 5 minutes to think of a new word to
replace the word "maggots" in your marching cheer. Its very degrading. And I
don't want to hear "legionnaire" again or you can go fuck a spider.
Derek to Platoon: Alright guys. We got 5 minutes to think of a new word to
replace "maggots" and we cannot use "legionnaire" or else sergeant
Vicknesh
will tell us to procreate with spiders.
Note: The marching cheer is a cheer we do before each song is sung. It goes " Your left your left your left right, MOHAWK, left right, M3, Left right, <Insert Word>." We were using legionnaire at first, then we change to maggots since we always feel like maggots in mohawk.
Act 1 Scene 3
When in depression or feeling down, just speak your mind and allow your language to flow. Let your creativity add colour to your life.
Suay Lun: Why must we be in Mofuck....
Act 1 Scene 4
There are many ways to get yourself out of training (OOT). One way is to show you got a serious case of bronchitis and wheeze every moment available.
Sgt: Recruit Alvin Choo
Alvin Choo: 36.9 *wheeze* Sgt.
Sgt: Alvin Choo are you alright?
Alvin Choo: Yes *wheeze* Sgt.
Before you know it, Alvin Choo was walking around the company office as an OOT as fit as a horse doing admin work. I will miss the sound of the wheezing...
Act 1 Scene 5
As a recruit, you are encouraged to ask questions when in doubt. However, please do not ask stupid questions.
Recruit Ben Tham: After POP (Pass Out Parade), will we become privates?
Sgt Ariff: Then what? 3 star general ah? Fuck you! Understand?
I wonder what is there to understand...
Act 1 Scene 6
Always listen to the instructions given by the sergeants. Execute it without fail.
Sgt Ariff: When your name is called, you will shout 'SIR!' Recruit Qi Hao!
Recruit Qi Hao: Yes Sir!
Sgt Ariff: QH go run one round around the basketball court.
1 Minute later...
Sgt Ariff: Recruit Qi Hao!
Recruit Qi Hao: Yes Sir!
Sgt Ariff: Another round!
Another minute later...
Sgt Ariff: You will say 'Sir!' not 'Yes Sir!' Recruit Qi Hao!
Recruit Qi Hao: Yes Sir!
Im speechless... at the same time rolling on the floor laughing...
Act 1 Scene 7
Never point out the mistakes of a commander. Unless you want extra physical training. Not punishment. Physical training.
Recruit 1: Sir, your dust cover is open. Its suppose to be close. (note: dust cover is a part on the rifle)
2LT Jonathan: Is that so? Everyone, half left down.
After 20 push ups...
2LT Jonathan: Is it open?
All the recruits: NO SIR!
2LT Jonathan: That's better. *closes his dust cover*
Act 1 Scene 8
Booking out is the beginning of freedom. But as we all know, freedom comes with a price. There are guidelines we have to follow when we book out.
Sgt Mantis: When you are on the MRT, you must act like a gentleman. You must give up your seat to pregnant woman and old child.
How old is old anyway... 18? Isn't that myself?
Sgt Mantis: If I catch you walking and listening to your music like in the commercials, *does his best impression of those bobbing heads in the ipod advertisements* I will fuck you upside down! *in an angry tone*
*Platoon giggles*
If you are as harmless as a dove like Sgt Choon Min, using vulgarities and changing your tone will make us cringe. Not in fear but in laughter.
Sgt Daniel: Don't stand at the MRT and shout across "Fuck you, understand?"
Lastly clarify all doubts in case you get a confinement during your book out time.
Recruit: Sir! If we are taking cab, do we flag cabs off the street or do we have to wait at the taxi stand?
As ridiculous as it sounds to the commanders, for some weird reason the recruits all thought it was a valid question... This is what fear does to recruits.
Act 1 Scene 9
Only a few facial expressions are allowed for recruits. Show either the serious look or the blank look. Smiling and looking blur is highly discouraged.
Recruit Rooney got stuck when stripping his rifle.
Sgt Vicknesh: Rooney! What are you doing?
Rooney: *smiles* Sgt I need help.
Sgt Vicknesh: Do not smile at me!
Rooney quickly changes to the blank/blur look.
Sgt Vicknesh: And do not give me the kangaroo in the spotlight look!
I always thought it was "deer in the headlights"... Maybe its a Canadian thing... but kangaroos are found in Australia... bah just don't that blank look.
Act 1 Scene 10
Falling down and getting injuries are very common. However, do not get yourself injured when no activity is being conducted, especially on a rainy day when all activities have been cancelled due to the cat one.
*Jeremy who fell down the stairs and hit his head returned from the Medical Centre*
Sgt Ariff: Jeremy! If I punch you and you got the bump on your head, I will be happy. If you fall down during SOC (Standard Obstacle Course) and get this, I also happy. But what did we do today? NOTHING! You go back home and when your family and girlfriend ask you how you get that bump, they will think your training very tough here. But actually what happened? NOTHING!
*Sgt Ariff moves on to brief the platoon on field camp*
Sgt Ariff: Before we go field camp, please learn to walk up and down the stairs or not you will have to learn it the hard way. *looks at Jeremy*
*Sgt Ariff moves on to brief the platoon on warfare*
Sgt Ariff: There are 2 types of warfare, urban and jungle. In urban warfare, you will learn how to fight in buildings and climb stairs properly. Later you slip and fall like Jeremy, the enemy will die laughing at you!
Hence my point. Unless you wish to be the butt of all jokes for the day.
Act 1 Scene 11
When they say don't touch the line, don't touch the line. In fact, don't even make any spelling errors. Because once you make them, there is no turning back.
Recruit: Sgt Ariff, can I use liquid paper?
Sgt Ariff: I don't believe in liquid paper, I believe in blood!
Well at least there is a way out...
Act 1 Scene 12
Please learn how to spell words that are required when you fill in your data, especially your religion...
This happened on day one when we were filling up our profiles.
Recruit to me: How do you spell Buddhism?
Me to recruit: I don't know lah! (I knew but I was too stressed at that moment on whether to use pen or pencil and trying to not make a single error and in case I spelt wrongly, I don't want to get into trouble...)
Recruit to Sgt Ariff: Sgt, how do you spell Buddhism?
Sgt Ariff: Do I look like a dictionary to you!
Another recruit to lost recruit attempting to save the day: It is B U D D I S M.
At that moment, I seriously didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. To tell him he is wrong or to just sit back and watch the show... anyway by the time I decided to tell him, he already wrote it down so oh well too bad...
Act 1 Scene 13
A sergeant is not a sir. A sir is not a sergeant. Get that right!
Recruit knocks on the door of the company office. The company office is packed with all the commanders.
Recruit: Good Morning commanders! I Recruit Brainless (just a nickname) request permission to enter the company office to see Sergeant Juffri!
If you don't know, in Mohawk, there are eight deadly sins, not seven. The eighth is calling 2LT Juffri a sergeant...
Do not be alarmed if sometimes your own sergeants make the same mistake. These mistakes do happen...
Sgt Mantis: For the human obstacles, both myself and Sgt Zhen Yuan will be in charge.
Gasp! I hope Zhen Yuan doesn't read this or not Mantis will have to run to Leopard company line to shout "I will not call Lt Zhen Yuan Sir a Sergeant again!"
Act 1 Scene 14
It is one thing to act blur to escape stuff in army. It is another to be super blur to an extent that... bah you decide yourself...
On the day of enlistment, there were multiple summons for a recruit by the name of Haresh. I remember hearing a million times, 'Heads Out! Haresh come down now!' Then in the evening, Sgt Ariff came up to our level and shouted 'Where is Haresh!'
A recruit: Yes Sgt!
Sgt Ariff: Follow me!
Both went down. Later that night, the recruit came back. Coincidently, he is from my section! We were gathered to have a dialogue session with our section commander, Sgt Farhan.
Sgt Farhan: You must know why you are serving NS. Make full use of the 2 years. Set goals. Know what you want to achieve at the end of this 2 years and work towards......
M3 S1: Zzzz (he was so boring that all of us were pretending to listen...)
Sgt Farhan: Ok that is all the time we have today. Any questions?
M3 S1 thinking in our heads: OMG its finally over... and look! its 5 minutes to lights off! This was so enriching... managed to practise my ability to sleep with eyes open...
That recruit: Sgt, I got a question. Why does Sgt Ariff keep calling me 'Haresh'? Is it some malay vulgarity?
M3 S1 in unison: You mean you are not Haresh?!
Sgt Farhan: What is your name?
Recruit: My name is Umeng.
*Everyone in the room fainted*
May this be a warning to all future recruits... do not acknowledge if you are not being called... in Mohawk, being called for is not good 99% of the time. Why get yourself into more trouble by acknowledging to another name...
Act 1 Scene 15
As I have mentioned before, there are quite a lot of ways to escape punishments. This way I am introducing now not everyone can do it.
Sgt Vicknesh looks at the chart with all our pictures and names.
Sgt Vick: You know, when I see Umeng's face, I can't bring myself to punish him.
Unless you want to go for a plastic surgery...
How to be a Mohawk Sergeant
Act 2 Scene 1
As a sergeant, have you own pet phrase for each recruit.
Sgt Vicknesh to Haresh: God damn it Haresh! What the fuck are you doing?
Use it every time you see the recruit. It is as if whatever that recruit do is always wrong. Anyway the theory is that the sergeants are always right and the recruits are always wrong.
Act 2 Scene 2
There are times you need to motivate your men and sometimes the best way is to tell them the truth.
Sgt Ariff to Platoon: In the army, there are times you will laugh, times you will cry, and times you will be depressed and jump down the building.
After hearing this, I don't know whether to laugh or to cry...
Act 2 Scene 3
A sergeant doesn't necessarily have to be vulgar and impolite. You can choose your own style of teaching and treating your recruits. Don't be afraid of trying something new. Go out of the norm.
Norm
Recruit: *Softly* Good morning Sergeant.
Sgt Ariff: WHAT! Cannot speak loud is it! Got cock in your mouth is it!
Out of Norm
Recruit: *Softly* Good morning Sergeant.
Sgt Mantis: Pardon?
Act 2 Scene 4
When briefing your recruits on the life outside of BMTC, for example SISPEC, do not focus on the fun part. Crush their dreams on the happy part and make them focus on the hell part of the training to prepare them mentally.
Sgt Daniel: Training in Taiwan was xiong, especially when we have to climb the mountains and cross the rivers.
Sgt Ariff: Ok ok enough. You all think you will see a Taiwanese girl washing clothes by the river with long hair and fair skin. And then she turn around and say 'Fuck you!', understand?
Imagine this scene... I hope I don't meet that girl if I ever go Taiwan.
Act 2 Scene 5
Holes can be found in many places. If you identify one, threaten your recruits to close it up before you ummm...
Sgt Vicknesh: Why got hole between your legs when you are in sedia position? For me to put my cock inside, is it?
And I always wonder how humans manage to think of so many places to put their penis through...
Act 2 Scene 6
As a Mohawk commander, the word 'sorry' does not exist in your dictionary. Never allow yourself or a recruit to say that word. However there is an exception.
Sgt Ariff: You will only say 'sorry' when my cock is in your mouth, understand?
I wonder when that will ever happen..
Act 2 Scene 7
Season greetings are important. It helps lift the spirit of your men, especially when they get to book out to enjoy the holidays. Do your part in spreading the joy.
Sgt Vicknesh: Before I leave, I just want to say one thing. Listen up. *pause* Merry Christmas, understand?
Platoon: *Silence*
I swore it was so quiet you could hear the crickets from the fields far away...
Act 2 Scene 8
When teaching your men something, it is important to demonstrate and explain.
Sgt Fabian: That was the demonstration. Now I will explain with explanation.
If only I could laugh with laughter then...
Act 2 Scene 9
Never allow recruits to waste your time.
During a rifle ceremony rehearsal:
Tarwin: *after receiving rifle* Thank you, sir! *freezes in that position*
Sgt Vicknesh: You waiting for me to take a picture and make it a kodak moment, is it?
Tarwin: No Sgt! *Scurries off*
Act 2 Scene 10
If you have the chance to correct your mistake, try to make it a quick correction.
Sgt Vicknesh: Is it very hard to follow my instructions? Was I speaking in gibberish or Irish to you guys?
3 minutes later...
Sgt Vicknesh: Yes I know Irish is English.
I think if he didn't correct himself that late, it would have made him look less stupid. At least less people would have known he made a mistake.
Act 2 Scene 11
Recruits hardly open their mouths to ask question when told to do so, especially during Q&A sessions. Make them question by telling them they are soldiers and not...
Sgt Ariff: Are you guys or pussies?! When we ask you to ask question, don't shy shy, whisper to your buddy, cover your mouth and giggle. Fuck you!
The best part: Sgt Ariff attempted to act gay to illustrate his point.
Act 2 Scene 12
During field camp, there will be some encounters with the creatures of Tekong. It would be better if you brief your recruits of the dangers first.
Sgt Ariff: The wild boars are two times the size of Sadi. They are difference from those you see in the zoo. They are disciplined and tactical. They are family orientated. Do not disturb them or not the entire herd will attack your camp site. We know how to escape, but you all don't know, understand? *grins*
Ben Tham: Sgt can we fire the blanks at the wild boars to scare them away?
Sgt Ariff: If you take a GPMG (General Purpose Machine Gun), the one with the 7.62mm bullets this big *gesticulates* and fire at them, the wild boars will laugh at you!
I can imagine it already. Wild boars wearing night vision goggles and giving commands.
Daddy boar: Oink Oink Oink Oink (We strike at dawn)
Baby boars: Oink Oink (Yes Sgt!)
Daddy Boar: OINK... oink oink oink (QUIET... Observe sound discipline!)
BANG BANG BANG (Sound of GPMG firing)
Baby Boars: Oink! (Contacted!)
Daddy Boar: HAHAHA Oink Oink Oink Oink, Oink Oink Oink! (GPMG doesn't scare me, Sgt Ariff does!)
Remember to brief your recruits how to react when they meet such deadly creatures.
Sgt Ariff: My favourite animal in Tekong is the spider. They are as big as your head.
Ben Tham: How do we kill them?
Sgt Ariff: We don't kill them, we eat them!
The scene of Sgt Ariff ripping off a chunk of a spider with his teeth and chewing, slime oozing out of his mouth... I don't feel too good...
Act 2 Scene 13
English is very important in the army. Especially when shouting out the procedure. You have to get your grammar right.
Recruit: Grenade prepared and ready to be thrown!
Sgt Ariff: What thrown! Have you thrown the grenade?! Its 'Grenade prepared and ready to be throw!' Understand? Do again!
Like I said... the sergeants are always right... even if they changed the most basic pillars that hold one of the most used language in the world together.
Act 2 Scene 14
One of the seven core values is professionalism. This is professionalism.
Sgt Leo bites into an apple in the company office.
*crunch* *company phone line rings*
Sgt L: FUCK YOU!
*picks up phone*
Sgt L: Hello. This is Mohawk company line. How may I help you? *in the receptionist tone*
Act 2 Scene 15
It is unavoidable that some of your recruits are physically weak. However it is possible to train them to be mentally strong. And since the mind and the body has a close relationship, hopefully the body will gradually become strong by training them mentally. The best way to train them mentally is to mock them about their physical weakness.
Moi is a recruit that vomits very often. He vomits after water parades, during warm up, during the exercise and during the water parade after the exercise.
Sgt Vicknesh: Moi! Why do you keep vomiting? A little bit also vomit. After you fuck a girl, don't tell me you will also vomit?
I do believe he stop vomiting ever since he heard that. Apparently a normal sex life became a a strong motivation for him to control his vomiting habit.
Act 2 Scene 16
POP is approaching. It is time for you to say your farewell speech.
Sgt Basya: This is it. Even you pai ka can also POP from Mohawk. By now, most of you should have realised that Mohawk is quite xiong. So be proud to be from Mohawk.
By now?! After 13 weeks?! Sheesh it only took me a day to find out that Mohawk is MEGA XIONG. Which cockhead will take 13 weeks to deduce that?!
Act 2 Scene 17
Always remember how to teach all the basic stuff. That includes the basic drill, terminology and punishments.
Sgt Ariff: Section level move! Platoon level move! Half Section level move! When I say 'section level move', you will form up 4 lines in your section bed level in front of me. When I say 'platoon level move', you will form up 3 ranks. When I say 'half section level move', you will break your section into 2, forming 8 lines in front of me. Understand?
M3: YES SGT!
Sgt Ariff: Why cannot shout! Nevermind, half left down.
M3: Mohawk...
Sgt Ariff: Recover! Half left down! Recover! Half left down! Recover!
Sgt Ariff: Platoon level move! Now you are in Mohawk and you are in platoon 3, so we will address you as M3, understand?
M3: YES SGT!
Sgt Ariff: When I say 'turn left', you will all echo 'left' and turn to your left, understand?
M3: YES SGT!
Yes I know... You all probably went through this... but did any of you went through this on week 13 of BMTC?
How to be a Mohawk Officer
Act 3 Scene 1
You want the full attention of your recruits. Scare them into giving you their full attention.
2LT Jackie: Everyone better be listening to me. I can see each and every one of you from here. Don't think you can escape my 2 pairs of eyes.
With 2 pairs, you will have 360 degree of vision. Your recruits will have no choice but to keep still.
Act 3 Scene 2
As an officer, you usually have to answer to the parents. Get ready to hear things you thought you will never hear in the army.
Haresh mum: Are the children back from the jungle? (after field camp)
Ziyang mum: Its 10pm already. My son has yet to reply to my sms. Is everything fine?
Act 3 Scene 3
The first rule of a leader is to lead by example. Don't say one thing and do another. However you do happen to do the other, make it seem as its a test to see how alert your recruits are.
2LT Juffri: I don't like to hear 'huh?'. Huh what Huh? I will say 'HUH LUMPA!"
Sgt Mantis: *mumbles* Sir the CRO file.
2LT Juffri: Huh?
Company: HUH LUMPA!
2LT Juffri: Very good... testing you guys...
If only I had a paper bag with 2 holes to lend to 2LT Juffri. I bet he wanted that more than anything else, or maybe a time machine to turn back time.
Act 3 Scene 4
Besides training your men, you have to make an effort to get to know them better as well. Go to the more personal level. Try to make a deeper connection. Strike a conversation. Show that you are interested in whatever your men are interested in.
Recruits talking among themselves on the theme on science. (eg theory of evolution etc)
2LT Jonathan: Oh I love science as well. I was from the science club. My favourite topic is conservation of momentum. In Out In Out In Out.
This shows how proficient our officers have become in this aspect. 2LT Jonathan managed to combine 2 of the recruits favourite topics, science and the need for sick and dirty jokes in the land where testosterones overflow.
Act 3 Scene 5
For some weird reason, OCS seem to train our officers to speak literally and not figuratively. They seem to have forgotten what these expressions really mean.
2LT JJ: You all can't even shout loudly. How is Sgt Hadi going to go in peace? ( Sgt Hadi was leaving for a PS course)
2LT Choo: I have to put all of you to sleep by 2330. No time extension.
Not to mention they all revolve around the theme of death...
The Incomplete Guide to be a Mohawk Warrior
This incomplete guide will give you a glimpse into the famous Mohawk company.
Whether you are a recruit, sergeant or officer, this guide will teach you how to
respond to various situations and what to expect when being in Mohawk.
So click around, learn some stuff and on your way back to earth from Mohawk, try to not get burn by hell which is in between earth and the Mohawk company line.
AND DO NOT DIRTY THE PAPER! UNDERSTAND?
Note: Whoever wrote this note has been confined for one weekend because he wrote on the line.
Created by Derrick See (belexus_vossen@hotmail.com)